Have you ever noticed how cranky hungry folks can be? I mean, people who are normally pretty even-tempered can get irritable, difficult, critical and just generally miserable when they get hungry. And they tend to think the issue is caused by everything around them, but not necessarily caused by something within them.
That was me. For many years.
I was blessed to grow up in a Christian family with a great upbringing, supportive parents, wonderful church experiences and overall about as terrific as life could get. From my earliest memories I cannot remember a time I didn't love and service the Lord. There were definitely some seasons I'm not proud of, but as far as walking with the Lord goes my life had been pretty consistent.
And now I was cranky. Going to church didn't help. Fellowshipping with my Christian friends didn't help, either. The more I read my Bible and spent time with the Lord, the deeper my dissatisfaction became. Eventually I realized that the problem was not external. I was the problem. The irritability began to form an inner vocabulary: Is this all there is to my walk with the Lord? I'm the strongest Christian I know. That's a scary thought! How can I go...well...deeper in my relationship with the Lord?
That's what it was...deeper.
I told the Lord I would go anywhere and do anything. And I meant it. Comfort was not an issue. Resources wouldn't hold me back...since it's all done by faith anyway. He was the Object of my affections. And I had to have more of Him.
So my journey - and the adventure of a lifetime - accelerated.
I would read in scripture the exploits of the patriarchs of the faith - and I knew I was not in that league.
But wait a minute...Moses was about as dysfunctional as they come. He clearly had rejection issues since his Mom abandoned him in the Nile rather than have him slaughtered by the Egyptians. He was the adopted son of the Egyptian princess - and he clearly didn't look like the Egyptians! Did he have "red-headed stepchild syndrome?" Was he fair skinned in the midst of a people with rich, deep coloring? He wasn't born to the royal line, but they had to deal with him. And he talked funny...had "halting speech" or something like that.
Ultimately Moses became a mighty leader of the Hebrew people, challenged the Egyptian court, forced the issue of slavery over his people, led a nation of slaves through the desert and right up to the borders of their promised land. He was a prophet, an intercessor, had a quirky relationship with God and with the Hebrews, had a contentious, mercurial relationship with his brother and sister, and as far as being a husband and father...well...his wife was never exactly impressed with his skills at home. The Bible never says they officially separated as a couple, but there is more than one place in scripture where Jethro was bringing Zipporah back home to Moses. And then there's that whole circumcision drama that Moses refused to oversee for his sons, so Zipporah did it herself and threw the foreskins of her sons at Moses' feet and told him in very clear terms what a failure he was as a husband and father.
But isn't Moses the same guy who parted the Red Sea? Who saw the Egyptians drown? Who made water flow out of solid rock?! Who watched the earth open up and swallow his detractors and their families? Who was so full of power that the power was imparted to the elders of the nation without diminishing Moses' own access to that power?
Wait a minute! This is whacked!
How can a guy like Moses ever become Somebody in the Kingdom of God? Seriously?!
And Abraham...now there's a case study for therapists.
Abraham and Sarah had no children, so they decide to "activate" the prophetic promise of God for an heir by using Hagar to be a surrogate mother. It seems to have been Sarah's idea originally. But I have never found where Abraham kicked or screamed in objection to sleeping with Sarah's Egyptian slave woman. Then Hagar conceives, gets an attitude with Sarah, and Sarah has a wicked temper and beats the haughty pregnant woman and blames Abraham for the whole arrangement.
Huh?
I mean...this is seriously messed up! It was messed up to the point that now Sarah is either going to kill Hagar with her bare hands or throw her out of the tribal compound. Abraham appears to be pretty passive about letting these two high-strung divas duke it out. It took the Lord God Himself to intervene. The Lord doesn't appear to talk to either of the women...as though they would actually listen? No...He talks directly to Abraham and holds him accountable for the drama in the camp.
I love what God ordered Abraham to do. His exact words to Abraham were: Listen to your wife.
Love that. Great counsel. What an example that all men should follow, right?
Wait a minute. Didn't all this drama stuff originate because Abraham listened to Sarah in the first place and wound up getting Hagar pregnant, which led to the defiance that caused Sarah to flip out and keep things torn up at home?
Pretty much. And now the Almighty is telling Abraham to listen to his wife.
So Abraham takes Hagar and Ishmael and abandons them in the desert and walks away. What a great guy. And now he's going home to Sarah and Isaac. Does he actually think this is going to buy him a few minutes of peace at home?
Then the next thing you know, Abraham is slipping out of the camp with Isaac muttering something about making a sacrifice and they've got the fire and the wood...but where is the lamb?
Huh?
And now Isaac is lying on the altar on top of the wood he carried on his shoulders, watching his Dad raise up his hand to perform the sacrifice...only Isaac knows there is no lamb...and he's staring up in the face of his Dad and looking at the business-end of his Dad's knife and probably wondering "Should I have suggested Dad switch to decaf?"
Wow. Crazy stuff. CRAZY!
So is this what it means to go deeper in a walk with the Lord? I mean, the qualifications clearly don't require someone to have a well-balanced leadership or relational skills. I can possibly qualify if that's the case. And it appears that if one is a bit...um...eccentric...it doesn't necessarily disqualify you. That's a relief! And if things are quite right at home but you bring something of value to the general population then you might still be a candidate to do some pretty awesome exploits for the Lord...maybe.
Okay. So I'm set as far as not being worried that my weaknesses, shortcomings, quirks and eccentricities may be an issue for the Lord. Are they an issue for others? Yep. But at the end of the day it all boils down to my willingness to do whatever - whatEVER - the Lord instructs me to do.
What does that look like today? I'm obviously not going to be asked to dump my baby in the Nile or lead a nation of slaves out of Egypt or part the Red Sea or make water pour out of a rock. And I am pretty safe in assuming that the Lord is not going to tell me to sacrifice my son to show that my kid doesn't have a place of inordinate affection in my life. And I'm definitely not going to have to "activate" a prophetic promise by involving some Egyptian hottie with my husband in the hopes that the child born out of their union is going to be the fulfillment of God's plan for my life.
Why don't I feel better about ruling those things out? Probably because I can mess things up at least as bad as any of those folks did, and probably even more!
In my quest to go deeper in my relationship with the Lord, what happens if I mess up? Or I launch out in faith, then incur a spectacular crash-and-burn scenario that impacts the lives of innocent people who got caught in the vortex of my misguided zeal?
Wait a minute...that'll never happen...right?
~ To be continued ~
